I can't believe it's been a year. Time is weird.
I made a sort of picture video showing the growth over their first year for both of my oldest two children to show at their first birthday parties. As I contemplated the the upcoming anniversary of the birth of Leif and Erik I knew I wanted to make a video for them too. I knew it would be a little different, but I knew I'd make one anyway.
You may be surprised by the song I picked, but the meaning for me is much different than the probable intended meaning of the artist.
Several weeks after Leif and Erik were born I was driving my oldest son to school and I heard "Daylight" for the first time. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was hearing all the emotion of that one beautiful day we had Leif and Erik with us in this song. Not wanting to say goodbye to my sons, but knowing that I would have to and making the most of the time we had holding them close.
After listening a few times I decided I would have to make a video with this song. I went to Wikipedia to look up any information about the song and found out something interesting. Maroon 5 posted a request on their website for people to share their stories as a way to help create a music video for the song. They called it the "Daylight Project". According to the news source it was posted on 9/18/12. The very day I was experiencing MY story.
Here it is:
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Communities of Support
I thought I'd take a minute to do a post that is a little more upbeat.
There are so many awesome communities of support available to grieving parents. I am so grateful for them. It's hard not to feel alone when you have lost a child.
Personally, I am part of several different groups and they support me in different ways.
First, I have been a member of the forums on americanpregnancy.org (APA) since my very first pregnancy...that's right, going on 7 years. I don't post a lot, but I've learned so much about getting pregnant, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and parenting from all the different perspectives of such a diverse group of women on APA.
Let me tell you, ladies on APA were SO supportive during my pregnancy with my twins. I generally went to them first to be my sounding board with any new news and always felt encouragement and support from them.
On the way to the hospital on the morning the boys were born I thought about how all these women from one end of the country to the other who I had never met in person who were thinking about us and praying for us and it filled my soul with gratitude for the kind of compassion that exists in the world. It still brings tears to my eyes to think about it.
Second, and oh so important to me in my journey were the sensitive and thoughtful women who run the Angel Watch group through Intermountain Healthcare in SLC. The Angel Watch program supports families whose unborn child/ren are given a life-limiting diagnosis.
Carolyn and Kay met with us during my pregnancy to talk with us about difficult things and to give whatever encouragement we needed. They weren't afraid to ask about our fears and hopes. They let us know that the wide range of emotions we were experiencing were normal. They gave us ideas on how to explain what was happening to our older children. Most of all, they came to listen, and I really needed that.
As part of this program, we are also able to connect on facebook and occasionally in person at support meetings with other parents who have found out that their child was most likely going to die before or shortly after birth.
Third, I now belong to a small private facebook group of families who have conjoined twins. It is wonderful to be able to connect with people who understand my situation in a very unique way. If you are expecting or have had conjoined twins and would like to join this closed, private group you can send me a message.
Lastly, I can not overlook the priceless service of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Pictures are SO important to us. My grandma lost her first two babies...she wasn't even allowed to see them! I can't tell you what she would give to have just one picture. I am so grateful that there are photographers out there who are willing to be specially trained and donate there services to provide professional pictures for parents whose opportunity to capture the life of their child is so brief.
I feel so blessed to live in a time where the medical community recognizes the importance of supporting families who want to spend time with a baby no matter how limited it may be. I'm grateful to all the women and families out there who allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable when the open up and speak about their experiences with losing their babies so that I don't have to feel all alone. Each of you is a gift.
There are so many awesome communities of support available to grieving parents. I am so grateful for them. It's hard not to feel alone when you have lost a child.
Personally, I am part of several different groups and they support me in different ways.
First, I have been a member of the forums on americanpregnancy.org (APA) since my very first pregnancy...that's right, going on 7 years. I don't post a lot, but I've learned so much about getting pregnant, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and parenting from all the different perspectives of such a diverse group of women on APA.
Let me tell you, ladies on APA were SO supportive during my pregnancy with my twins. I generally went to them first to be my sounding board with any new news and always felt encouragement and support from them.
On the way to the hospital on the morning the boys were born I thought about how all these women from one end of the country to the other who I had never met in person who were thinking about us and praying for us and it filled my soul with gratitude for the kind of compassion that exists in the world. It still brings tears to my eyes to think about it.
Second, and oh so important to me in my journey were the sensitive and thoughtful women who run the Angel Watch group through Intermountain Healthcare in SLC. The Angel Watch program supports families whose unborn child/ren are given a life-limiting diagnosis.
Carolyn and Kay met with us during my pregnancy to talk with us about difficult things and to give whatever encouragement we needed. They weren't afraid to ask about our fears and hopes. They let us know that the wide range of emotions we were experiencing were normal. They gave us ideas on how to explain what was happening to our older children. Most of all, they came to listen, and I really needed that.
Carolyn and Kay holding Leif and Erik at the hospital.
Third, I now belong to a small private facebook group of families who have conjoined twins. It is wonderful to be able to connect with people who understand my situation in a very unique way. If you are expecting or have had conjoined twins and would like to join this closed, private group you can send me a message.
Lastly, I can not overlook the priceless service of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Pictures are SO important to us. My grandma lost her first two babies...she wasn't even allowed to see them! I can't tell you what she would give to have just one picture. I am so grateful that there are photographers out there who are willing to be specially trained and donate there services to provide professional pictures for parents whose opportunity to capture the life of their child is so brief.
I feel so blessed to live in a time where the medical community recognizes the importance of supporting families who want to spend time with a baby no matter how limited it may be. I'm grateful to all the women and families out there who allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable when the open up and speak about their experiences with losing their babies so that I don't have to feel all alone. Each of you is a gift.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Grief looks different from this side of the fence...
Oy, these posts can be so emotional to write. =)
In light of my last post being somewhat dramatic, I want to address the subject of grief and how it wasn't anything like I expected.
I've lost loved ones before, a grandfather that I was close to and an aunt who was the closest thing I've had in my life to a second mother. One was somewhat expected and the other was somewhat not. I experienced sadness when they died. I still miss them and sometimes I cry when I talk about them.
This is grieving.
In losing my precious twin sons, however, I have experienced a completely different kind of grief, the kind that comes when you experience a loss that leaves a gaping hole in your life. If my previously losses were like the prick of a pin, this is like a hole made with a sledge hammer. (I may elaborate on this analogy in a later post.)
I don’t know that there is a specific criterion for what kind of loss you have to have to experience this kind of grief, but I do know that most of the mothers I've come in contact with who have experienced the kind of loss I have had feel similar. I also know that when my aunt died, my cousin experienced the same kind of gaping hole in her life. Until you've been through it, it’s hard to understand.
In light of my last post being somewhat dramatic, I want to address the subject of grief and how it wasn't anything like I expected.
I've lost loved ones before, a grandfather that I was close to and an aunt who was the closest thing I've had in my life to a second mother. One was somewhat expected and the other was somewhat not. I experienced sadness when they died. I still miss them and sometimes I cry when I talk about them.
This is grieving.
In losing my precious twin sons, however, I have experienced a completely different kind of grief, the kind that comes when you experience a loss that leaves a gaping hole in your life. If my previously losses were like the prick of a pin, this is like a hole made with a sledge hammer. (I may elaborate on this analogy in a later post.)
I don’t know that there is a specific criterion for what kind of loss you have to have to experience this kind of grief, but I do know that most of the mothers I've come in contact with who have experienced the kind of loss I have had feel similar. I also know that when my aunt died, my cousin experienced the same kind of gaping hole in her life. Until you've been through it, it’s hard to understand.
I had different ideas of what this kind of heart-wrenching grief would be like before I experienced it myself (and probably some because of the use of words like "heart-wrenching" and analogies to sledge hammers.) Maybe I pictured more of the heart-broken, teenage-girl variety, where you throw yourself onto your bed and sob for a while and then pine away in your bedroom for days.
And really, it does sound dramatic to hear people say things like, “It’s hard for me to get out of bed every day.” It’s the truth, but it’s not that dramatic. Living with a gaping hole in your life is just so exhausting. It’s hard to get out of bed when you're just tired.
So tired.
In a tired fog.
This was one of the effects I experienced. What I didn't experience was a lot of tear-filled days. Don't get me wrong, I burst into tears at strange times and had an emotional, on-the-verge-of-tears-all-day day every couple weeks. BUT it wasn't every day and even if you put all those days together it wasn't that many.
I think about my twins every day, but I also have plenty to keep me going in all directions (husband, two older kids, housework, church callings, extended family) and so the grief translated into irritability at times. For months, it took a great amount of concentration to get through my daily tasks and so interruptions were frustrating. Also frustrating was any sort of interruption that yanked me out of a deep thought, which was often.
Perhaps more crying would have been better than being short of temper. I have done a lot more yelling than I'd like to admit, but we'll save guilt for another post.
I guess my point in sharing all this is that grief doesn't always look the way we imagine it to look. Sometimes it's hard to recognize when you are experiencing it and sometimes you might not realize when someone else is in a really tough place because their grief doesn't look like you expect it to.
If you're there or someone you love is there, please give yourself or those you love time to figure the grief out and don't beat yourself up if your grief turns out looking different than you expected.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
I think I'm ready...
I put this blog up just weeks after I lost my babies. I thought I would start posting right away. Writing and sharing are good ways to help with grieving. I also wanted to give help to others by sharing my experiences. I am so grateful for the women whose blogs helped me when I was in need.
BUT it didn't happen.
I got back to my own house and taking care of two kids and Ty got back to work. I lived in a sort of fog where I mostly focused on getting done only what was necessary while trying to appear to be dealing well to everyone on the outside of my domicile. I had to try hard not to resent anyone who asked for more than the bare minimum...and that was anything more than the basic needs of my husband and children.
At first this was because of literally months of physical recovery, and then my emotions caught up to me. I had pushed them to the back-burner because it was too hard to deal with grief on top of physical pain.
Still, it was hard to see how poorly I was coping at times. Often because I hid it from others, even my husband. A lot of the time I felt like I was doing really well, just to look back and see how volatile my emotions had really been. I was not in a place to say the encouraging words (without feeling some hypocrisy) I wanted others who were in need to hear.
Nearly 10 months later, I think I am finally to that place (for now) and I hope you will allow me to heal by opening my heart.
Thank you for reading. You help me give more meaning to my sons' lives.
Here are my some of my many inspirations:
This woman lives across the country and her family travels their journey simultaneously with mine. I've directly related to many of her words.
http://thekingtwins.tumblr.com/
I first found out about this family from a mutual friend. It's one of those small miracles. Their blog helped me to picture what was possible and the beautiful newborn pictures eased my fears.
http://emmaandtaylorbailey.blogspot.com/2007/09/test-post.html
This family blog gave me inspiration on how to explain things to my older children.
http://goodtimesdelgadostyle.blogspot.com/p/melody-joy-and-madison-hope.html
This family had a different experience than ours (though they had the same doctor), but I found her blog when I was trying figure out how to help extended family understand what the day of our sons' birth would look like because I wanted them to feel comfortable participating. I also found inspiration to plan the graveside service from reading about theirs.
http://kevinbeckyfam.blogspot.com/2012/06/baby-kevins-birth-story-part-1.html
Many thanks to these and other families who helped me personally by opening up about their losses on the internet. Sometimes in the middle of the night a restless mind can't resist seeking information by consulting google and it's nice to know that there are friends waiting on the other side of a difficult search to lend an idea you haven't come across before. And it's nice to know you aren't alone.
BUT it didn't happen.
I got back to my own house and taking care of two kids and Ty got back to work. I lived in a sort of fog where I mostly focused on getting done only what was necessary while trying to appear to be dealing well to everyone on the outside of my domicile. I had to try hard not to resent anyone who asked for more than the bare minimum...and that was anything more than the basic needs of my husband and children.
At first this was because of literally months of physical recovery, and then my emotions caught up to me. I had pushed them to the back-burner because it was too hard to deal with grief on top of physical pain.
Still, it was hard to see how poorly I was coping at times. Often because I hid it from others, even my husband. A lot of the time I felt like I was doing really well, just to look back and see how volatile my emotions had really been. I was not in a place to say the encouraging words (without feeling some hypocrisy) I wanted others who were in need to hear.
Nearly 10 months later, I think I am finally to that place (for now) and I hope you will allow me to heal by opening my heart.
Thank you for reading. You help me give more meaning to my sons' lives.
Here are my some of my many inspirations:
This woman lives across the country and her family travels their journey simultaneously with mine. I've directly related to many of her words.
http://thekingtwins.tumblr.com/
I first found out about this family from a mutual friend. It's one of those small miracles. Their blog helped me to picture what was possible and the beautiful newborn pictures eased my fears.
http://emmaandtaylorbailey.blogspot.com/2007/09/test-post.html
This family blog gave me inspiration on how to explain things to my older children.
http://goodtimesdelgadostyle.blogspot.com/p/melody-joy-and-madison-hope.html
This family had a different experience than ours (though they had the same doctor), but I found her blog when I was trying figure out how to help extended family understand what the day of our sons' birth would look like because I wanted them to feel comfortable participating. I also found inspiration to plan the graveside service from reading about theirs.
http://kevinbeckyfam.blogspot.com/2012/06/baby-kevins-birth-story-part-1.html
Many thanks to these and other families who helped me personally by opening up about their losses on the internet. Sometimes in the middle of the night a restless mind can't resist seeking information by consulting google and it's nice to know that there are friends waiting on the other side of a difficult search to lend an idea you haven't come across before. And it's nice to know you aren't alone.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Our Sweet Day with Leif and Erik
Thank you friends and family for all your prayers. They resulted in a very peaceful and beautiful day with these two precious babes.
They were born September 18th at 8:09 am They weighed, together, 8 lbs 4 oz. Erik is on the left and he measured 17.5 inches. Leif is on the right and he measured 20 inches.
They were not able to breathe very well, but their heart continued to beat for a little over an hour after they were born. It was just long enough for us to join our families in the recovery room and for Tyrel to give them their names by blessing.
First picture with mom and dad. I'm still being sewn up.
Getting my first look at them. It was hard to see their faces at that angle.
Big brother seeing his baby brothers for the first time.
After getting pictures from NILMDTS we moved to my regular room and all the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins joined us for birthday cake. We showered these little ones with our love.
After everyone left, Tyrel and I got some special time alone.
This is one of my very favorite pictures. It was taken just before we let the nurses take their bodies away. I felt so close to them.
Our FOREVER family.
All Packed
Originally posted: September 14th, 2012
I just wanted to share the things we've put together for the arrival of Leif and Erik. My aunt sent us the hats and my mom crocheted sweaters (just like she did for my oldest son's baby blessing). I bought the white gowns online. They snap all the way down the front so that we can snap them together Into one gown. Someone who has had a similar experience suggested we get a lotion to use on the day of the birth so we can have a "smell memory" of our time with the boys. Smell memories are supposed to be really strong. I found the "viking" material for the blanket online. I really like it even though at first we thought it might be a little "over the top." Angel Watch will turn the blanket into keepsake teddy bears for us. Lastly, we wanted to be able to make sure we could distinguish the twins, so we decided to get engraved medical bracelets. One side has their name and the other side has the meaning. I spent a lot of time fretting over picking out all these things, but I'm happy with how it all turned out. I can't tell you how much time I spent smelling lotions.
So, I think we are prepared as we can be. I'm a planner and it's hard for me not to stress over every little detail. Right after we had the delivery scheduled I was really anxious about it all. Finally I let myself have a good cry and poured my heart out in prayer. I realized that we've done everything we can. There are many things out of our control. I realized I'd feel much better if I let go of all the expectations I was building up in my mind and trusted God. We want to have the experience He means for us to have on Tuesday.
Good old scripture mastery: Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Along with: Doctrine and Covenants 6:36
Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.
Delivery is scheduled for 9/18.
Originally posted: September 5th, 2012
Yes, that is only 2 weeks away. I hardly know what to say. I am anxious and worried about every little detail. It seems like we've been waiting so long and now the delivery is coming up so fast.
Here are some pregnancy pictures of me. The first two are at 22 weeks (on July 4th) and the rest are at 29 weeks.
At my 30 week appointment I measure 37 weeks for a normal pregnancy. The boys will be 33 weeks on the delivery date. We've discussed steroid shots before delivery to help with the boys' lungs. We met with the neonatologist group that will be in charge of any care we want for the boys. They seem very supportive.
We're so thankful for all the friends and family who have offered help and support to us through the last few months. Some of you may feel that all you have been able to offer is prayers on our behalf. Please know that those prayers mean so much to us. If you could pray that we will be able to be calm on the day of the delivery and not feel that the time we have with our sons is rushed, we would really appreciate those prayers.
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