I have found myself "taking another beating in silence" at various times since losing my boys.
The scenario is this: someone makes a comment that is normal, fine and nothing out of the ordinary to a person who has not lost a child. Having lost children, I find the comment hits a sensitive nerve...but knowing it was not intended to wound me, I refrain from making any sort of scene by reacting in a way that others would detect the pain I feel. Then I'm left feeling hurt and alone.
I have heard this kind of story over and over again from other women who have lost babies. It's hard sometimes to hear about pregnancy or be around pregnant people or babies. We all know that it isn't the other people's fault that we feel such pain and anger from innocent situations or comments and that results in adding guilt on top of an already painful situation. I try not to hold a grudge against people simply because they are oblivious and I don't want to cause more hurt feelings and drama by sharing the pain I feel.
I couldn't even type this a couple months ago, but my sister is expecting twins. I want to just feel happy and excited for her. Unfortunately there are times where I not only feel sad and hurt but it is actually hard to be in the same room with her. It all seems so unfair, to me, to her, to everyone involved.
It's hard to share these feelings with those who haven't felt them before. This being the case, I often try to shield myself by not opening up to others unless I feel absolutely comfortable. And when I've opened that door, the honest truth is that I find very few people (at least in my life) are brave enough to willing enter into the emotionally vulnerable space of grief that I often occupy.
Sometimes this leaves me wanting to withdraw from the society of others altogether or at least running to those that I know have sadly also been where I have been. I just want to be in a place where I know I'm not going to end up getting hurt.
And ultimately the best place to go is to God. Luckily, I don't find that He dismisses my feelings. Instead, I've been prompted to see my situation in a better way. Here's a story from another angel mom that beautifully illustrates what I'm talking about.
I have been told that it would be helpful for me to teach people how to treat me as I grieve, but in the case of helping others know what not to say, I find it hard simply because I cannot give a comprehensive list of what subjects or kind of comments are likely to hurt me. They literally hit me out of the blue most of the time and others are too commonplace to banish.
This is the reality of life for angel moms. So next time you notice an angel mom suddenly missing from the room or her mood has suddenly changed from cheerful to somber and you have no idea why...don't embarrass her, give her some space or better yet, find an unobtrusive way to show her you sympathize and recognize she doesn't want to feel the way she does and doesn't blame you either.
Be kind, because life after losing a child is complicated.
Very well said. Thank you! And thank you so much for including the link that you did. It gave me a much needed change of perspective. :) ~Angela
ReplyDelete