I think I'm ready...

I put this blog up just weeks after I lost my babies. I thought I would start posting right away. Writing and sharing are good ways to help with grieving. I also wanted to give help to others by sharing my experiences. I am so grateful for the women whose blogs helped me when I was in need.

BUT it didn't happen.

I got back to my own house and taking care of two kids and Ty got back to work. I lived in a sort of fog where I mostly focused on getting done only what was necessary while trying to appear to be dealing well to everyone on the outside of my domicile. I had to try hard not to resent anyone who asked for more than the bare minimum...and that was anything more than the basic needs of my husband and children.

At first this was because of literally months of physical recovery, and then my emotions caught up to me. I had pushed them to the back-burner because it was too hard to deal with grief on top of physical pain.

Still, it was hard to see how poorly I was coping at times. Often because I hid it from others, even my husband. A lot of the time I felt like I was doing really well, just to look back and see how volatile my emotions had really been. I was not in a place to say the encouraging words (without feeling some hypocrisy) I wanted others who were in need to hear.

Nearly 10 months later, I think I am finally to that place (for now) and I hope you will allow me to heal by opening my heart.

Thank you for reading. You help me give more meaning to my sons' lives.

Here are my some of my many inspirations:

This woman lives across the country and her family travels their journey simultaneously with mine. I've directly related to many of her words.
http://thekingtwins.tumblr.com/

I first found out about this family from a mutual friend. It's one of those small miracles. Their blog helped me to picture what was possible and the beautiful newborn pictures eased my fears.
http://emmaandtaylorbailey.blogspot.com/2007/09/test-post.html

This family blog gave me inspiration on how to explain things to my older children.
http://goodtimesdelgadostyle.blogspot.com/p/melody-joy-and-madison-hope.html

This family had a different experience than ours (though they had the same doctor), but I found her blog when I was trying figure out how to help extended family understand what the day of our sons' birth would look like because I wanted them to feel comfortable participating. I also found inspiration to plan the graveside service from reading about theirs.
http://kevinbeckyfam.blogspot.com/2012/06/baby-kevins-birth-story-part-1.html


Many thanks to these and other families who helped me personally by opening up about their losses on the internet. Sometimes in the middle of the night a restless mind can't resist seeking information by consulting google and it's nice to know that there are friends waiting on the other side of a difficult search to lend an idea you haven't come across before. And it's nice to know you aren't alone.